Disclaimer: This post does not intend to make any personal attacks on any one. Hence, no names have been taken. Please refrain from getting personal.
I had done a post ( And we Expect a Change in our society- Not a wordless wednesday) a few months ago on a similar discussion , A comment I had placed on an article, I got a great reaction then and It seems I have let myself into another one again 🙂 , I never know when to shut up..
do I ? he he he 🙂
I have a similar reaction to put today too, There is an article where a lady is wanting to take some advice from people about her relation with her in-laws. The context is about how she has a problem with her hubby intending to move back from USA to India because of his parents.
Now the content of the article or the email is Not what I want to discuss..
It’s what I wrote as a reply to the article and the reactions that comment generated that I am more interested in ..
So now you know what is the base. This is what I wrote ..
Dear ABC.. . I am sorry but you shud be discussing this with your Hubby and not with strangers ..
How can me or anyone else give you advice since we dont know you, or your hubby or your family.. how can someone anyone do that.. you will get a lot of advice here by lots of people but remember much of that advice is from people who have not been in the same situation as you.. and even if some have been in the same situation then Their in laws or their hubby is not exactly same as yours ..
so talk to your hubby , tell him your apprehensions I am sure things can work out for sure .. Talking always helps .. All the best and god bless
Thumbs UP 9 Thumbs Down 39
Right then lets get into statistics 🙂 .. I am bad in maths so pardon me if I have calculated wrong .. 🙂 There are 39 people who think my advice to the lady to discuss it with her husband is wrong compared to 9 .. that is just 18.75%, 81.25% which in this case means MAJORITY of the people think resolution of an issue between a couple through mutual discussion is no good, so assuming talking is no good .. WHAT IS GOOD THEN.. parting ways, separating , divorce .. NOW don’t you think that is a high number of people who think that way ..
The above conversation has had a few comments as a reply too .. and knowing me since I love to argue my points .. it has become a Fascinating read, I am not copy-pasting other bloggers’ replies to my comments as I have not taken permissions from them and I don’t have the right to copy-paste as such…. HENCE I have just pasted one of mine .. what is worrying, well – at least for me is that the number of Thumbs down to the subsequent replies is increasing day by day .. so that 81.25% people I am talking of is ACTUALLY MAY BE HIGHER in percentage.. because the kind souls who gave my comments a thumbs up have slowly given up bothering to the subsequent replies.. I guess they just read shook their heads and moved on 🙂
Another funny thing is , I asked a question later on in the chain of replies as to what is wrong if the hubby wants to go back home to stay with his parents.. (Oh boy , you got to see the reaction to that one .. Thumbs UP 3 Thumbs Down 23 ) it is about 12% in my favour ONLY 🙂 I wonder, does no one think like me? Something strange..!! Are all the men out there ready to leave their parents and stay away from them, and are all the women out there ready to make their husbands stay away from their parents?
Instead of a reply I was asked what if SHE wants to live with her parents .. Now again the question comes.. is it just because I said or asked the question from a MAN’s point of view I got the reactions .. (just for recording purpose the counter question got Thumbs UP 15 Thumbs Down 2) thank god there were 2 who felt as I did 🙂 Phew I thought I was alone again .. Well, to that, if she wants to live with her parents, and if he is willing, then why not? This is an entire discussion in itself – and is a digression to the topic in hand. There are a lot of men who have been brave enough to take on the responsibility of their in-laws and kudos to them – but our always-glorifying-society-which-wants-to-make-a-difference categorises such brave men as “ghar jamai”.
If I had again said something or done some man bashing I probably would have got a better reaction .. and How can a Counter question to a Question be the RIGHT ANSWER.. which gets societies approval … according to statistics is again approx 88%..
There are again 88% people out there who think instead of replying if we counter question and especially bring the GENDER in the equation to DILUTE the topic in hand, is the right way to solve a problem ?
What do you think people.. Do you feel the same way as I do, OR am I completely off my nuts as usual ? (I know I asked this question in a post earlier and all of you said I was not , maybe you would want to change your thought now) 🙂
I would love to hear your views on this , What do you take from the above reactions to my comments in context to the Thumbs up and thumbs down.. Thumbs down I take as people not agreeing with me and saying I have written something wrong
How do we expect to change the society when the people who are thinking like this are in great numbers , I wonder what they do behind closed doors of their house I said house because clearly it cant be a HOME .. if they react the same in their own place .… I don’t think things can change if such mentality exists … It is clearly cleaning dirty linen in public and is something I do not subscribe to, especially when it comes to sensitive issues such as those faced by couples/families.
SO I WANT TO ASK ALL those who pressed the thumbs down .. Because I know many of the visitors on that blog also visit my blog tooo .. what is the problem ? Why are we not able to make healthy discussions and why do we have to keep putting each other down, without considering the point of view of a person in a fair and just manner, in a manner that doesn’t reflect undue prejudice?
Is It
And we the people of our nation think that we can make a difference … SERIOUSLY
Maybe I live in a ideal world .. But I think in my own heart that till we have lived it all, and tried all avenues , its never a right decision to break a relation, but I guess its too much to ask from anyone .
PS:- The figures I have quoted were right till 10:51AM of october 30th 2012 , UK time.. I just picked the figures before i was going to publish the post.. so please dont shoot me if the figures are not right ..
Me and My Random Thoughts 
Well, well, well.. looks like you have a romantic affair with Ms. Controversy, Bikram. But then, you know, prejudice is a very big killer of common sense, and a prejudiced person can not see X’s point of view in the way X is trying to say. This person will only read what memories the point of view brings in his/her mind about. Period.
Thumbs up and Thumbs down are a part of it all.. I think they should be removed as they only serve to imprint greater prejudice in minds of readers.
Coming to your suggestion that the couple should be talking between themselves and not seek advise from XYZ on a public forum, I believe when one wants advise, it is best to approach the person who you think will guide you or is experienced enough to help you in your thoughts process and enable you to make an informed decision – this type of random posts inviting so-called advises from all and sundry is something that even I am not really pally about… it is akin to giving the world the right to discuss your personal problems and make all sorts of opinions about them.
Moreover, if discussion is invited, then there should be a narration of the problem from both the sides. And not just one side. Maybe then, advise given can be considered fair and just.
Unless – there is something extreme like physical/mental abuse involved – that too, I am against making such things public for the sake of “seeking advise” – But contrarily, “making something public with the intention of spreading awareness or helping other people going through similar problems” is fine by me.
LikeLike
Again, on second thoughts – in view of your disclaimer, Ms Controversy is only a personification of controversy – and NOTHING else…
As an after thought, I would want to believe that some readers have actually gone ahead and highlighted concerns the lady in question should be thinking about – but ultimately she has to do what you had primarily suggested – talk to her hubby.
Healthy discussion is perhaps what is more of a concern rather than questioning and counter-questioning.
LikeLike
Well I dont think anyone highlighted that .. it was a mad rush to HANG ME … 🙂
LikeLike
It does look that way now, I need to start thinking like a MAN in the society would , rather than a human.. thats how the world works.. and that seems to be how I SHOULD.
The reason for not discussing I have given by asking a question HOW can we tell her what to do when we are not in that Situation and very true till we dont kno the other side how can one give advice ..
LikeLike
And we the people of our nation think that we can make a difference … SERIOUSLY
I dunno whether to feel happy or sad that I have same reaction most times !
Bloody every one wants to advice others this and that..
have you ever asked the person why he/she wants the advice from strangers ?
And specially when you dnt evn know how the conditions might be at the in-laws house ?
Can you really live all life on fears and doubts ?
Why do we not give a chance to people ? To try once to make things smoother and if nothing works , ask your parents or friends who know you both.
Educating by example is one thing.
Asking for examples to make a decision is another.
LikeLike
The best thing is they want to advice without knowing the OTHER side of the story, no one has even asked to know the story of the hubby.. 🙂
LikeLike
Hey Bikram, I saw your comments there as well. Well, I think your option 3 sounds closer to why it was done. And lol on the first option. 😀
LikeLike
And don’t bother much about the Thumbs Up/Down. You clearly were having a healthy discussion.
LikeLike
I wont bother anymore 🙂 and if i comment i will write a DISCLAIMER before that 🙂
LikeLike
I agree to that too.. till we make it a man vs woman issue people dont seem to accept it..
LikeLike
One thing, People in India, and in the rest of the world, get excited when some one approaches them to give them some advice. Normally people would be waiting to give someone their share of advice, but in a situation like this, the get excited and their hormones get totally lopsided that certain vital functions stop working, like the one organ we use for thinking.
Second, I am not telling this just because I know you but what you said is right. people can offer suggestions, but offering suggestion from a third person’s perspective is not the same as being in the same situation. So , its not that the lady can choose any one of the solutions. It would have worked in one situation, it would not necessarily work in another situation.
Third, Why do people hesitate to talk to those concerned about such important matters, but immediately resort to a world full of strangers to solve their problems? I agree that it would help them think of a solution from all perspectives, but seriously??
Ashwini C N
LikeLike
I guess my hormones also went on a tangent he he he he 🙂 moreover I feel that how can one say anything but what I said , when they dont know Both sides ..
I mean she may have made up some issues, do we know the in-laws , do we know the hubby did that ..
I think when giving advice the Advisor needs to be sure that they have a Responsibility of some kinds before they open their mouth to give advice..
If someone is asking for advice then what you say is your responsibility ..
LikeLike
“How do we expect to change the society when the people who are thinking like this are in great numbers , I wonder what they do behind closed doors of their house I said house because clearly it cant be a HOME .. if they react the same in their own place .… I don’t think things can change if such mentality exists … It is clearly cleaning dirty linen in public and is something I do not subscribe to, especially when it comes to sensitive issues such as those faced by couples/families.”
And that is what I find very genuine and honest in your tone and appreciate it. Your comment caught my attention. There may be people who don’t agree with you…and that number might outdo the number of people in agreement with you. But how does that matter really? What you wrote came from your heart…that is what matters, that’s what I think.
Glad that you made a post. Best,
-J
LikeLike
As for discussing problems with strangers, I think it is a personal choice. I would rather talk to people (mostly friends though) just for the sake of clearing out stagnant emotions and thoughts and gaining new perspective….than keep things bottled up and risk mental or physical ailments – depression, migraines, high blood pressure, weight gain, diabetes (which can be triggered by stress and anxiety) etc etc. As long as a discussion is healthy and free-flowing, and not judgemental or opinionated…why not? Is the intention to defame and badmouth another person OR to look for a solution to a genuine problem? If the intention is good…the result I bet will be good. Life is about sharing…share your joys to multiply them…share your pain to mitigate. And isn’t this whole world one big family?
It is important to take responsibility for our own actions though. And THAT I see is a big problem in these kind of discussions. For most of the problems that are discussed, either a man is blamed or his family or patriarchy. Unless the problem is acknowledged by all involved and the consequences/blame is shared equally between every participant who has contributed to it…be it a man or a woman, young or old…nothing is going to change. It is fear we live on. Not love. We are constantly living in fear of losing something. We fear other’s opinions of ourselves. We fear for our image – one that we work hard relentlessly to maintain. We try to win someone’s love by false means and promises…and then fail to live upto their expectations and our own, because it is impossible to be someone you are not. And then we blame everybody else for our own faults.
We are constantly judging ourselves and others according to ridiculous standards that someone else has set for us. This is insane.
Unless we unlearn and give up ridiculous bollywood type notions of love, marriage and social image that we grew up watching…nothing is going to change.
LikeLike
I have no qualms with anyone wanting to discuss anything with anybody on any matter, I can totally understand , I have done it too myself so many times .. but as i said this was not to discuss what the email writer said or asked .. this was to the reaction of the people to the comment .. and I just wanted to know what did i do wrong ..
I feel that if someone asks for advice we as a friend or a human should try to give good advice and that can only be given if you know both sides of the story .. by people who know both the sides. thats what I feel , I might be totally wrong .. but thats me I beleive in this 🙂
and as you mentioned most of the times a need to blame someone is there and usually it is the MAN.. Which is feel is not the right way to go, I have had a lot of discussions on that blog, and I have said tooo , to me its useless trying to prove who is wrong..
I have accepted many a times that Yes MAN is wrong .. now what and then No one has ever replied to that , you can go and check the replies none of the so called knowledgable people have ever replied back .. We know who is wrong yes .. so What do we do ..
the idea of discussion is not to prove who is wrong but to find a solution 🙂
and I totally agree with you nothing is going ot change because majority of the time it is to put the blame rather than a solution ..
I thought I gave a solution saying discuss with hubby .. talking helps and Even said God bless you.. but still you have seen the Reaction yourself ..
The pity is that its some very intelligent people who do this ..
LikeLike
Welcome here and thank you so much for taking out time reading it all 🙂 Now please do keep visiting , I dont always write such controversial or heated articles he he he he 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks 🙂
I confess, I have read your hilarious posts in the past…sorry that I never left a comment. I guess this heated post got me to introduce myself finally.
LikeLike
I saw , it seems you have had a few share of thumbs down too.. For mere mentioning my name 🙂 sorry about that ..
LikeLike
lol…I thought it was my name that was bringing the thumbs down!!
N guess what, the thumbs down have more love n passion in them (‘cuz people LOVE to push them)…so I don’t mind at all 🙂
It makes me more zealous.
LikeLike
ha ha ha ha 🙂 I love that comment , yes that is what it is They took time and so many of them to press the button , they love me so muchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ….
I shud write more of such comments then he he he he
LikeLike
Its obvious why you got those thumbs down. Abhi in rules ko ratta maro ( 🙂 ) :
1. A woman is ALWAYS right – Even if she & her intelligence are well hidden behind the WWWeb.
2. When she cries on Internet’s shoulder – simply pat her (which is = pat her ego)
3. Personal posts like these are looking for sympathy and husband+in-law bashing. Sorry Logic / Commonsense isn’t expected nor appreciated.
4. Arey ek abala nari apni dukhad kahani aap se share kar rahi thi and you actually tried talking sense to her …. Tch! Tch! Ram! Ram!
Jokes apart, just chill dude……. There still is hope in those thumbs that went up 😉 !!
LikeLike
MomWithaDot, hahahha…..that was hilarious and very brave!
Too bad, Bikram doesnt have thumbs up or down button here…i wonder what would be the statistics for this comment of yours!
LikeLike
AH :- I think this was the post I shud have put the button .. I am sure it would have helped do good to my ego .. would surly have got MORE .. up’s then downs
LikeLike
Hey Always Happy! Hilarious – Thanks, the world needs more smiles 🙂 Brave -yeah I never think twice about speaking my mind. Frankly, it’s Bikrams’ blog. I become light headed most times I get here.
LikeLike
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂 now thats the best thing i have heard today .. thank you so much 🙂
” it’s Bikrams’ blog. I become light headed most times I get here.” yayyyyyyyyyy again
LikeLike
😀 😀 😀 😉
LikeLike
Bikram, With your first comment you were just driving back that confused soul whom you were advising to get back to where she came from…She was there asking for advise so she could get a different perspective on her issues …she had explained to her best the situation and circumstances to give the readers an idea of the type of the attitudes of her in-laws and her husband and hers…..she had already mentioned her plight of discussing it with her husband and the outcomes….
As a woman, she is expecting to be “made to feel better” – that’s what all women expect – ” A listening ear”. There is nothing wrong in driving common sense, but it should be done in a very em-pathetically and sensitively tactful manner..such that she isn’t going to be hurt in anyway !
You know Bikram – If your first comment had been ” I understand ” that would’ve sufficed !
You would’ve had one minus thumbs down – Yaaa..I gave you a thumbs down as well !
LikeLike
Hi sjscribbles :-
I can understand all that .. but then how can we advice .. I feel that don’t know if others feel that way the people who are advising .. shud know both sides of the stories.. because listening to one side and making a decision is wrong..
I do this day in and day out.. if i start to make a decision knowing just one side I will probably lose my job, I have seen and experienced where I am 100% sure that the person telling me the story is the injured party .. but when u go and see the other side it is actually the other way round .. Hence I try not to give advices or at least not make my mind up.. and never have i brought Gender into it ..
as such I wrote this post not to talk what she did or anything like that, Each individual has the right to do what they want to .. right or wrong is secondary.. This was more to discuss the Reaction of the people ..
I believe that an advisor needs to be held responsible for what they advice.. I mean I cant just advice anyone without knowing the whole story ..
I totally understand what you have said.. And thank you for saying you gave a thumbs down.. at least I know now what I did wrong .. but then there are many who just did it for the Sake of it 🙂
I had not intentions of hurting her, I gave my genuine advice to her, and if you look back to other post I have said the same there to .. which cant be said of many who have commented as there comment replies change according to the Gender in the post 🙂 I am sure you will agree to that too …
Thank you so much for reading and replying here and WELCOME to this blog .. 🙂 don’t be a stranger now and please don’t wait for me to start a new controversary to visit me .. he he he he he 🙂
LikeLike
LOL on starting a controversy again (you are capable of that are’nt you ? 🙂 ) Absolutely ! understand your say Bikram , It’s truly logical.. But but but…when it come to a Woman’s heart Logic doesn’t WORK my dear friend !
and of course your comment didn’t hurt her but “discuss it with your husband ” didn’t help her as well 😦
It’s a pleasure reading your blogs…I’m Following you closely 😉
LikeLike
Yes got the point :).. Oh its easy to start a controversory all I need to say is Women are this or that .. and there you go It starts 🙂 easy peasy ..
and Thanks for reading what I write 🙂
LikeLike
MomWithaDot. :- GOT them engraved in my Brain and HEart now 🙂 yes mam ..
I know its a relief to see some of those UP 🙂
LikeLike
hahahahahaha!!! That was the best thing I read on the net today, lol lol lol!!!
LikeLike
Thelady8hone:- thank you.. I guess momwithadot said the right thing.. and so true tooooo..
🙂
LikeLike
Bikram,
I was one of the THUMBS UP commenters of your comment for that post 🙂 because I did not think you were wrong in that context at all.
I wont add anything more here because your question is for THUMBS DOWN people 🙂
LikeLike
Yes you got it right .. its for those people 🙂 Thank you AH..
LikeLike
I finally have time to come back to your post again, I have to teach before.
I appreciate the way you write this post as you didn’t mention the original link. I have ben in the position where my comment is being talked about and the person link it back to me and even discredited by him…you are truly a good person.
I agree with your opinion Bik, I would have give thumb up for your comment. Family matter should be discussed with family and the way you told her is also nice, not judgmental.
LikeLike
yayyyyyyyyyyyyy excellent..
Well I did not want to do that because I am not interested what others do or say , that’s their problem not mine 🙂 I was just wanting to know what is it that drastic that I have written which made almost 50+ people give it a thumbs down and the number in increasing …
Thank you so much for saying that yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂
LikeLike
There were days when Feminism was a movement to gain self-respect and equality. Now, it has just become a blame-game. But then, let us admit that men (tried to?) suppress women first.
Destination Infinity
LikeLike
very true , now it has become blame everyone , I know.. Actually DI. to tell you frankly I was an idiot to have actually gone and put my two cents worth of advice..
they do say punjabi’s and especially sardars have this habit of trying to save everyone 🙂 which i fell for..
I totally accept it men have not treated women equal at all ,they dont do it NOW either.. But I also know that many of the so called women rights organisation are fancy place to meet and do kitty parties.. The poor woman who has to walk miles and miles to get that litre of drinking water Each day and many a times in a day .. has no clue or help ..
but the organisations that are supposed to help , have their meetings etc in a five star hotel, air conditioned rooms with plenty of MINERAL WATER 🙂
and they Say I am the one who is WRONG… a tad bit hypocritical, dont you think and Funny too for me ..
LikeLike
When someday, people realize that you were trying to help them they’ll repent what they said and be so ashamed of themselves. Everyone needs to come face to face with the truth sometime, irrespective of whether they acknowledge it openly or not.
Destination Infinity
LikeLike
Well I doubt D.I, if these people ever realize or feel ashamed at all.. If they did they would not be doing things like this ..
being ashamed is not in their blood 🙂 and moreover people say something and then forget about it altogether .. they dont get concerned what happens to the person who takes their advice 🙂
LikeLike
Well I am kind of guessing on whose blog you might have had this discussion. What I like about this post is that everything you said has come from your heart. As far as thumbs up and thumbs down goes, let it not matter seriously. How does it change your opinion? It doesn’t and it will never.
I believe it is a matter of personal choice.
As far as discussing internal problems with strangers, sometimes a person is just looking for a vent out. And I am sure she must be knowing that the way forward is a discussion with the family and husband and not alone.
LikeLike
Haanji Jas I understand all that, But I do ask her that , she may get so many advices but she has to remember that we are not in the same position..
Well I guess we learn something new each day and I learnt that these thumbs down etc should not let my opinion change 🙂 Thank you
LikeLike
I read that post today and she had written that talking to her husband has not turned out well. So I guess she looked at this platform as a way to know what outsiders think. Sometimes it helps in putting things into right perspective.
LikeLike
Jas that is fine..
But this post is not about what she has asked or why she asked.. This is about the mentality of the people who have reacted to that comment of mine 🙂
the ones pressing thumbs Down.. I have asked them a question What is it that I have written wrong..
and if this is the mentality then how do we expect to change our society..
That is why I said on the top of the post that this is not about the Email Writer.. this post is solely on the comment I wrote 🙂
LikeLike
I agree Bikram but the thumbs down are for the way you put it. I am not saying your intentions were not right but how you put them in words made the difference.
Btw, lets put this all behind and enjoy your day 🙂 It’s your birthday today, right?
Happy birthday 🙂
LikeLike
haanji theek hai.. already put it behind , cant be bothered .. just feel let down by some people who say we are friends 🙂 anyway
Noooooooooooooooooooo aaj nahin hai birthday .. 11th of the 11th .. yaad rakhna pleaase pleasae please he he he he he he 🙂
but thank you thank you 🙂
LikeLike
Bikram having difference of opinion or thumbs down does not mean that they are not your friends (some specific people I guess).. I think you are talking in this context only.
Okie Sir.. will surely remember 🙂
LikeLike
you are a star 🙂
LikeLike
Ahem Ahem – I know what you mean Bikram. Just couple of weeks back I had answered a question at the same place with some very honest confessions and you should have seen the thumbs down there too… first I was very shocked as it was my first time there… and then I saw the other regulars who kind of enjoyed this thumbs down. That is when I understood that in this beautiful blogging world there are some sickos too whose only job is to be the moral police and try to right every wrong that they see even if it is not the right…. I guess the best way to deal with them is leave them in peace and not give attention as “attention” is something that they are looking for.
And I am not that generous ki I would let someone hog the limelight for something that I have done 😉
LikeLike
🙂 ah well , it seems this is the general trend.. The childish attitude shows too, but its fine I am what or who I am .. good or bad thats me 🙂
I would not have got shocked if I got replies as to what wrong, but people just do it for the sake of it .. and some are just MEAN and conceited and two faced.. which reflects ..
otherwise how can a question if answered by another question be Right 🙂 and get all the WAH WAH and what not by others , I fail to understand that .. maybe its a nexus of people who just do it because they like a particular blogger and not the other 🙂
Oh yeah the Moral police who will spend 48 hours out of the given 24 in a day, looking at what others are doing , Rather then in their own backyard ..
Yes I guess that is the best way he he he he 🙂 Thank you so much
LikeLike
W-O-W … a very great post, indeed.
about your concern: not everyone reads everything, we mostly breeze through, and most of us gives a thumbs up/down based on the statistics that is already present. So, if 10 people have disliked your post and 1 has liked it, you are most likely to get 20 more dislikes.
Hmmm…honestly, I felt your reply to be a bit out of place, strange, and not at all heart felting… but going over and over again, what you wrote their was very unexpected, but to the point. There was no attachment involved. We tend to get attached to the person who raises a concern, their problem becomes our problem. And like my manager always say: “We start with resolving the issue even before understanding the issue”.
A very close friend stopped talking to me and I heard he was getting married to someone else, I was heart broken and I called my best friend to talk to her…I needed someone’s shoulder to cry. But, she jerked me off saying I was warned about it and etc. I was SHATTERED to the extent that we stopped speaking for months.
The thing is, when we are depressed or not getting a solution or heart broken or confused, we look for emotional support outside.
It isn’t what you wrote, it is the way you communicated it.
LikeLike
Hello and Good to see you again .. It seems when you started visiting me I am in middle of some silly controversaries he he he .. BUt this is not what I write all the time so please dont run away 🙂
I think you just might be right , also i think how pally you are with the blogger, if you are good friends and you dont like someone writing a comment then you try to take sides with the blogger for sure.
The reason for not being attached is because I dont have a good reputation on that blog , so I give my two cents and get lost. So I am sorry if you felt it was not my usual way of commenting.
I totally get the point of how i wrote was the issue .. Thank you
LikeLike
Hey…don’t be sorry…I like your writing style and your blog posts. I come here to get inspired 🙂 keep writing 🙂
LikeLike
WOWOW.. thank you thank you.. I just hope and pray i dont let you down then …
LikeLike
Bikram, these ultracharged posts can have people pointing daggers at you for no reason. I recently read a comment on one of the blogs I follow where the blogger expressed that most people get into a discussion with their minds already made up. They don’t want to listen to other points of view. They want to force their point across. They want approval of their opinion, that’s all. There is no discussion there. It is even futile to express your opinion in such cases. For your sanity, stop visiting blogs where you get drawn into emotionally charged discussions. Or try to detach yourself (that is tough for you to do) :).
LikeLike
Yes mam, I think I will be taking the decision for sure .. I suddenly realise its futile to talk to such people who have one agenda on hand..
I usually dont get this rattled but what i find funny is the then the same people talk of changing the society .. is this how they will change …
Daggers dont frighten me , when push comes to Shove I can give back as bad as I get 🙂 he he he and if that does not work then I can run pretty fast tooo 🙂
Thank you rachna
LikeLike
I have also learned the hard way. Some people will come and praise you on your blog, use your goodwill and then stab you in the back. I am open and honest and don’t hide behind pretenses. Like you I give it back and then strike that blog off my reading list. I suggest you also don’t take people at face value and be careful of hidden motives.
LikeLike
🙂 what can i say ..
I think in this world and especially now on blogosphere it is not a good thing to be open and honest .. people want to hear what they want to hear simple..
LikeLike
😀 Don’t bother. You comment and forget, in such posts at least thats what you have to do.
Or you can be like me, accha laga to pado nahi to, next post 😉
LikeLike
Hehe that sounds just right 😉
LikeLike
@Swaram :- Thank you madam ji ..
LikeLike
@Bhagyashree :- Yes wont 🙂 make that into a rule now .. why give advice , no need 🙂
LikeLike
Well, I do not find anything wrong in that comment of yours, which you have reposted here. And what rubbish is this – the 4 points which you have mentioned – people not liking your face, hidden agenda, etc… Remove all such thoughts from your mind and have a big glass of thanda thanda lassi 😉
LikeLike
Well its better ask then to feel good about urself .. I do find that on that blog its my face for sure beleive me .. even me writing one word Thank you.. get this reaction .. 🙂
LikeLike
I think part of the answer as to why you got thumbs-down was becoz you did not understand why this was being discussed in a public forum. The answer to that is given here…
http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2012/10/31/let-me-give-you-the-reason-i-asked-for-advise-here-instead-of-talking-with-my-family/
I asked a question later on in the chain of replies as to what is wrong if the hubby wants to go back home to stay with his parents..
This is fine but since the girl in question is saying she does NOT want to live with the in-laws, I think the wish of the wife also should be taken into consideration right? Would I say the same thing if the girl wanted to live with her parents and the guy did not want it? OF COURSE I would. What works for the gander is what works for the goose too!
Having said that, IHM’s blog is a blog full of feminists, so women’s view will definitely be stronger there 🙂
Now get rid of that stupid reasons such as your face (??!!) or there is a hidden agenda against you or something! 🙄 😛
LikeLike
I agree with what amibikasingh2 wrote:
The thing is, when we are depressed or not getting a solution or heart broken or confused, we look for emotional support outside.
It isn’t what you wrote, it is the way you communicated it.
LikeLike
Yes Mam understoood .. I will make sure I am careful .. or best is not visit such posts.. why waste my time 🙂
LikeLike
🙂 .. you put the link , I did not want to bring IHM’s blog into this , because thats her blog and she has the right to do what she does with it , but anyway ..
Again as I said I have no qualms with what the dear lady wanted to ask or do, that is not the point of discussion.. free world and all .. I am a nobody to stop anyone .. I can only give what I think is right according to me ..
I do not deny that her wish is taken on consideration or not .. ITS equal what the hubby can have , So can she. and I am sure I have never said anything other than that ever.. for I beleive in the equality for all , To me we are humans first and then man – woman 🙂
But since you mentioned the question .. Ashwathy Give me a reply here please 🙂
The reply to that question was not a answer , it was a counter question .. now that is not a discussion ..
I took the hubby’s side when i asked ““What is the harm if the hubby wants to go back to his home.. to stay with his parents.”” 🙂 hence the thumbs down ,
Thumbs up. 9 – Thumbs Down 39
and the lady who replied to the question changed the gender and put the same question ..
“what if she demanded to go back home to her parents?” 🙂 gets all Thumbs up. 32 – Thumbs Down 7
(Please again this is not about the lady who commented.. .. This is about the people pressing that Button)
Now you tell me what should be Taken from that 🙂
The whole issue is gender based then 🙂
And if it is so then why the discussion ?
What’s the use of it ..
and I say that because then the Lady who asked for advice has got only prejudiced advice 🙂 which I am sure she does not want
ooooooooooopppsss :- this reply is a post again he he he he
LikeLike
Hahahh now this has become a mini post entry! 😀
Ooops… I was just trying to be helpful by posting that link… that it would provide some answers to your question “why discuss with strangers in a blog”…. Won’t post links again if you do not like it…
Regarding this:
I took the hubby’s side when i asked ““What is the harm if the hubby wants to go back to his home.. to stay with his parents.”” hence the thumbs down ,
This comment by itself is nothing wrong. But in the context where the lady in question she does not want to go live with them becoz in the in-laws are controlling and domineering, then mentioning this statement is a little insensitive…or rather, seems oblivious to the problem.
The response to your comment: “what if the lady wants to go live with her parents?” was a knee-jerk response…. as if to say, “If you feel it is ok for the guy to want to live with his parents, then why don’t u say that it is ok if the lady wants to live with her parents?” The point is, that perspective is rarely raised…. let’s face it…society is such that it expects parents of sons to stay with them and parents of daughters to..well… be far away from them (although this is now slowly changing with liberal-minded ppl).
I say that because then the Lady who asked for advice has got only prejudiced advice
I don’t really think so. There are people who have given variety of advice, not simply asking her to stay put where she is. But considering she is asking for a listening ear and some support, a POV that supports her is welcome. She would still be looking at all perspectives given there and then only take the decision.
That’s my perspective on the whole thing 🙂 I could be wrong though… no guarantees there 😉
LikeLike
Yes Ji. I understand all that .. 🙂 and no dont worry about that link, 🙂 I did not want to involve anyone else other that what i thought 🙂 thats all ..
I got no problems with anyone having their own views .. but what i was trying to say was that
I asked a question- usually sane people Reply to it .. and then ask their question .. but a question to a question cant be a discussion
Moreover by the time I asked the questions it was not me giving advice, it was more of ME taking advice from the so very much learned people out there 🙂
My advice to the lady finished at the very fist comment, after that it was more of talking to other people.
I did not say its ok for a guy to live etc , I asked a question What is the harm in that 🙂 expecting a answer..
My personal belief is , that once the kids are 18, adults they need to get out of their parents house and set their own little house , which they build with their own hard earned money.. Then they can make their own decisions without intereference from either of the family 🙂
Anyway How you doing .. he he he he he 🙂
LikeLike
ROFL @ “How you doing”!!! 😆 I”ve totally last track now!!! 😛 😛 😀
LikeLike
Well as long as it puts a smile 🙂 its ok he he he
LikeLike
how wonderful it would be if everything goes as we plan ha?
LikeLike
he he he he I bet it will be Good 🙂 on hindsight I am thinking .. why Oh why did i have to type that comment in the first place ..
I need to be SHOT !!!
LikeLike
http://www.i4deeps.blogspot.in/
LikeLike
hmmm i saw ur comment on that post.. may be its 2 or 3.. i too had same prob in the same place for not supporting abortion.. i got so many dumbs down for saying it aloud that, according to me abortion is crime.. it did bother me for fews days, but i just left it at.. its their opinion, i have framed mine too,, when there is an aruguemnts, you will always have two sides.. each will have thier own way of thinking.. so, thums dwn or up doesnt really matter.. may be its just fan thing.. they like some blogger, so always give thumbs up and some body commented bad for their comment, so they press thumbs down..
dont worry, from now on, if i see ur response, i will give u thumbs up, later argue with u if u were wrong according to me..
so hw is the b’day preparation going on?? advance wishes..
LikeLike
🙂 hmmm you think so .. now I got to do something about that .. he he he he 🙂
ah well this is the second time I have learn a lesson , I guess I am a big Old thick OAF it takes 2 -3 -4 chances for me to learn he he he he he 🙂
ok DEAL , I think I shud go and make lots of friends and tell them they have to HAVE to press the thumbs up button always .. even if i write the worst comment he he he he he 🙂
B’day is still 10 days to go 🙂
LikeLike
It’s okay.Different people have different views.and yeah there are people who run around and thumbs down comments which they don’t like or with a prejudiced mind.Don’t bother.A lot of people like you and your blog.Look at the brighter side bhai..kyon ithani gumsum?
LikeLike
he he he why am I not surprised ? In laws are a very sensitive topic Bikram and for most of us females (most of us ! not everyone) they can never be good 😉 I really feel proud to say that I was able to handle my career and kids only because of my inlaws and my parents support !
Coming back to the reasons for thumbs down
1. My Face – don’t really think so !
2. Me being a male commentator… Yes could be
3. I did not do any man bashing….. yes !
4. Or some other hidden agenda.. 🙂 – yeah prob they wanted to show it to their hubby and say here we go … this is ” Janata ka faisla ”
Anyways I would say keep giving advises that you believe in …your heart believes in … leave the rest !
LikeLike
TTT :- I learnt the hard way it seems 🙂
ha ha ha yeah i like the Janta ka faisla..
LikeLike
Bhavia :- yes I understand. yes I am blessed and by the grace of god a lot of people care for me , so theek hai.. Thank you.
LikeLike
Bik, I agree with all your views. The lady need to discuss with her husband first and then with her close relatives. There is no harm in staying with in laws if they are okay. No MIL or FIL can substitute your parents but they can be as dear as yours if you give them a chance.
If they are really bad, discuss with hubby and if he does not see your side, decide what is important, your life or marriage and take decision accordingly.
I have come across many ladies who cannot stand their husbands relatives, and have only one thing to say, they are all missing a lot of support and love in their life which would have made their life easier…
Thankfully, we have a joint family where in laws, brothers, their families all stay together. It is wonderful feeling to have his people to support you when u fight with your spouse… lol..
LikeLike
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂 how are you doing .. longggggggggggggggggggggg time no see.
Well I firmly believe that no matter who says what , and it is a fact that no one can be as close are you own parents .. Yes you can love and care for your wife’s or husbands parents Fully , with all your heart .. yet there will always be a difference A small one ALWAYS/.. and I can put it very bluntly those who say otherwise are either Lieing or are GOD simple … this is human nature 🙂
exactly discuss with hubby because that is going to help one decide what is going to be the next step ..
Take care and keep in touch .. dont disappear 🙂
LikeLike
I have not seen this post, but agree with Momwithadot! Ratofy all the rules she has mentioned! 😛
Chill and be the way you are and try to stay away from such posts to safeguard your mental peace and sanity! 🙂
LikeLike
What a lot of varied viewpoints! 😀
My two cents- don’t take these thumbs up/ down too seriously. And if these things bother you too much don’t comment on posts where the exchanges are likely to get heated- as some commenters have already suggested.
And keep publishing your enjoyable posts! 🙂
LikeLike
Manju :- Mam i guess we all thing differently hence all the views , which is good one can learn new things 🙂
I understand what you are saying and yes will try to publish a bit light post soon 🙂
LikeLike
S.G. -> I have made sure and I am going to Get a TATTOO done .. GHAJINI style to make sure I have those rules handy at any given time 🙂
LikeLike
i think nothing is wrong in asking other people on or blog, finally she needs to speak this up with her husband and discuss with him regarding their problem
she needs to do what her heart says and need to think why they went to USA, Today nothing has changed in India , its same INDIA FOR RICH by rich for Rich with same problems
LikeLike
yeah that is what will happen, s osince I gave that advice it was not good enough 🙂
I totally agree with you
LikeLike
i am with sm on this..comments here are hotting up and interesting..will wait n watch for more..cheers bik
LikeLike
Ramesha bhai , thank you .. how are you doing 🙂
LikeLike
.Bikram, you’ve got more thumbs down for your comment today. I ‘ve got a couple of thumbs down for my comment too…hehehe….
LikeLike
I know its growing and growing .. just shows the mentality of the people and how good their advice will be , if their thoughts are so shallow 🙂
LikeLike
Though I have no idea what the original post was but here is my view. Men and Women think very differently about personal matters. While women are perfectly fine with seeking friendly advise men don’t. Discussing with friends is more of a therapy than cure. Also your assumption that the couple were heading for divorce could have been wrong.
Your comment was clearly suggesting “don’t discuss” or “discuss it with man in-charge” and hence it got thumbs down. If you divide the thumbs up and down with gender filter you will see where the majority of the thumbs down is coming from. Instead of trying to defend your point of view, why don’t to write a blog post on “how can women charm to get it done their way with stubborn hubbies?”
LikeLike
Hello Lalit sir. Welcome here to this blog , thank you os much for visiting.
Well the post is not the issue at all. It was the reaction to what i wrote which got me working, for the life of me i could not understand what is it that i have written wrong..
I did not assume anything sir, it was what followed as replies and all ..
yeah i guess i told her to discuss with her hubby , I did not meant it as he is the man incharge I sincerely meant it as TWO adults talking for thats what adults do to sort out differences ..
he he he I would love to write that post sir, but for the life of me I will not be able to do any justice to that .. and moreover the moment i do that , people will come out saying Why do women need to charm MEN 🙂
LikeLike
Many blogs discourage points of view that are different or threatening in any way and the loyal readers then thumbs down the commenter. Why different POV, even criticism is taken amiss and get either rude replies or rants in reply. So it is best to stay away from blogs that are super sensitive and volatile. I agree with Rachna here. It only creates more negativity. Everyone in blogosphere knows you have a heart larger than the state of Punjab and we all love you, Bikram 🙂
LikeLike
Mami.. You are right, I was funny I happened to go on a post which was posted earlier .. I had made a comment “I have no clue what to write or say”.. even that has thumbs down.. I say something i get that , I dont say I still get it 🙂
Thank you so much for thinking of me like that
LikeLike
Do you think she would have posted this on her blog if she was sure her husband would give her an unbiased ear? What I feel is whenever there is such discussion going on whether it is related to husband / wife / in-laws / parents / children, it is mostly because the person concerned do not think they will get a sympathetic or understanding disposition from the concerned person in the family. Sometimes it does give you some relief in opening your heart out to someone totally unconnected with you. And in most cases, they may not actually be looking for a solution , just a shoulder however random it may be 🙂
As for the thumbs up or down , did you do a gender based analysis? The results might be interesting 😉
LikeLike
Sadly I could not do the gender based analysis on the thumbs down as it is not my blog 🙂 but i do have a inkling who might have pressed the button..
and since you brought it up I do think it is all to do with Gender bias.. Otherwise I am not sure what wrong i have written as a comment..
many others have also written almost the same thing but either they are in good books or friends of the button pressers so they dont get ..
If u read the post a few months I wrote about another comment I made on the same blog you will know ..
I wrote a mere two words THANK YOU .. and that got a few thumbs down too..
I am not saying anything why she wrote or what for , thats got nothing to do with me 🙂 and that is not something i am against Free world and all ..
🙂
LikeLike
Well well.. aren’t you doing the same thing here? Presenting your side of the story and asking for opinion? No linking to the post or comments in question (as far as I can see).. Just giving your perception of it.. and people here are replying based on their judgement of your side of the story alone, trusting that what you are saying is the unbiased truth.
And as the person directly involved in the “controversy”, it hasn’t occurred to you to include an obvious point to your list of options : “your comment was worded wrong and came off as being judgemental”.
Exactly the thing that happens with people deep in a personal issue and trying to seek opinion.
Btw, I am NOT one of the thumbs-downers.. I am just making a point.
LikeLike
The reason I did not put the links is because I am not discussing the writer or what she wrote.
I wrote something and am asking what is wrong that have written.
I have put the comments.. as it is..
Why do I need to include everything in it.. I have made it clear that I have no problem with blog or article .. I asked simple question that the advice I gave what’s wrong in that..
Most of the people I am sure have read the article too.. well that’s what you think that my comment was judgemental.. how it is.. is what I want to know..
Asking her to discuss the matter.. and how can we advice when we don’t know or may not be in same situation.. ..
How is this judgemental please…
I gave my reasons on the next post and hence asked you too. ..
Thank you so much for reading this post..
LikeLike
” I am sorry but you shud be discussing this with your Hubby and not with strangers ..”
It sounds judgemental because it tells her (not suggests – tells) what she should be doing and that what she is doing is wrong.
She asked for advice not on whether she should seek advice or whom she should seek it from, but on what she should do with her situation.
Saying the same thing without the “should”, may be as “You should try talking to your husband more about this and see if he sees your perspective” would have said the same thing, but without sounding judgemental. Words and phrasing do matter.
LikeLike
I meant “You could try talking to…”
LikeLike
Yes mam.. understood I shall keep this in mind next time I have to type a comment 🙂
LikeLike
I think all those reactions can be explained by the philosophy that this generation, our generation wants to look out only for themselves. Staying with in-laws calls for a huge adjustment in lifestyles, behavior etc. Might as well not make those changes. My solution would have been simple, move back to the same city ad get a house in an adjacent neighborhood. That way you stay close enough to be of help and yet far away to have your own privacy. but hey, that’s just me. For all I know, i would have gotten 0 thumbs up and 1000 thumbs downs.
LikeLike
oooooooooooooohhh you will start another controversary here he he he he 🙂 good job you did not put this comment somewhere else , otherwise I am sure the amount of thumbs down would have broken my Record tooo he he he he 🙂
I like your idea .. but then whose house , in-laws or parents 🙂 see there is another thing on that too..
1000 is very less as i said you would have broken my record for sure :O
LikeLike
I completely agree with Rachna’s comments above. Emotionally charged posts and blogs are like quicksand. You can see yourself being drawn into it but there’s nothing you can do. I have myself been a part of discussions where at the end of the day I feel so hopelessly emotionally drained, I now make a constant effort to control the amount to which I get dragged in. Trust me its possible.
As far as providing your opinion goes, you have a right to it, and I do agree to a certain extent with what you said – if I got it right. When someone asks for life changing advice, the people who advice have a responsibility too. Its not as simple as advising to choose between an apple and an orange. Telling someone to walk out of a marriage is a huge deal and if I did that, I would share the onus of the burden/happiness the rest of my life, so I refrain from doing it until I know the complete picture – and here we usually know only one part of it. Nobody but the couple can actually know what goes on in there. And except for a few who come back to thank the readers (God bless them, I am so glad it worked out for them, genuinely happy) but what about those for whom it might not? Surely there might be some such cases too? What happens to them? Do the advice giving junta even know later on? Don’t worry about the Thumbs up / Thumbs down. I have a had a few major thumbs down too, but its your opinion. Regardless of whether people agree with it or not.
I still do visit such blogs once in a while and do comment on generalized opinions, but I still do not have the courage to advise someone on the personal front, according to me its too big a responsibility, its one thing to advise someone whom you know and then can help later on in the path of life, but to advise someone and not know what happens later, I just can’t do it.
LikeLike
You know, I got to thinking about this some more and it’s not that simple either I think. There’s no black and white, just like everything else a world of gray. For example, if a woman asks advice regarding her husband’s decision to abort a female foetus or lets say advice about leaving a husband because he hits her – then I would have some strong emotions on the topic. Whether I vent them out there, comment on it, provide advice etc would depend on a whole range of factors like time, mood, strength of emotion etc. Because such things, nothing justifies beating or forcing abortions. But in other ‘adjustment’ issues I don’t know, because honestly, I really do not know the complete picture.
LikeLike
yeah i totally agree with you on that .. that is something different for sure
LikeLike
Yeah I understand what you mean .. I need to make that effort too , to not waste my time on silly things like these and let people do what they want to or do it ..
I see many of them talk opposite tooo , so to each their own. I need to become like them 🙂 he he he he
That is exactly why i said what i said , how can we give advice .. but apparantly that blog in not a court of law so its ok to give, and thats how the world works .. I have been given so many examples of this and that .. and even told that if i do it , its ok I wont lose my job.. they doubt if I will lose my job if i give wrong advice or give advice without knowing all the details ..
in india everyone knows everything ..
End of the day the people giving advices will be fine in their own house but the poor person who takes their advice seriously might just land themselves in trouble with no one to stand with them 🙂
LikeLike
“End of the day the people giving advices will be fine in their own house but the poor person who takes their advice seriously might just land themselves in trouble with no one to stand with them”. I agree. It is a huge responsibility. One woman, a college lecturer at a reputed US university had started calling on me for advice on her divorce situation. A friend of mine had done her the favor of referring to me for advice…for whatever reason. At first I listened to her side of the story. It doesn’t matter whether she was right or wrong, truthful or lying….the fact that she started badmouthing her husband of 17 yrs, in front of her two young daughters who were sitting in a stranger’s house, scared, embarrassed and confused…was enough to make me feel sorry, not for just the woman but for everyone involved. The mom then went even further. She asked me how could she prevent the dad from ever seeing the girls. At that point I changed the topic, asked the girls for snacks and drinks and told the woman she must get a lawyer and that we shall talk some other time. But after that I never answered her calls. I know it was very rude of me. And I apologized to my friend. But I just couldn’t do it. It felt gravely wrong to even talk to her, ‘cuz she definitely needed professional help.
The most I can do, is share my own experiences with others…what I have learned and where I have wronged. At least that’s how I see it. We are at a time when there are so many means and options to communicate, bring the world closer to us but sadly most communications at a personal level are actually breaking down.
LikeLike
Eaxctly my view EXACTLY.. that is why I sometimes question the commentators and the thumbs down pressers.. Most of them don’t give a DAMN end of the day , they wont even come to the post back to ask the lady how she is doing .. It will be a idiot like me who will go back and ASK..
Such are these funny people ..
LikeLike
Hi Bikram.. you have always struck me as a wonderful and extremely caring person. And I have seen your comments in my blog and a few others and they are very thoughtful, gentle and most importantly very meaningful. The same applies to this comment you have put up here as well. I see nothing wrong in what you have written. The person wanted advice and you have given yours very honestly. My personal view is that is the best advice you can give.
Now coming to the statistics.. 😉 I mostly agree with your analysis… your points 2 and 3 fit the bill. The other thing people generally tend to do while commenting is always side with the author or with the majority view. All they want is to look good and not look right. It doesn’t matter if the person’s problem is actually solved or not, but it matters more to them that their comment is appreciated or liked. So you did the right thing in trying to help the person by giving her an honest opinion. You don’t have to bother about the “Thumbs down’s”. And I know you won’t. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you sir ji for saying that, I hope I dont let you down then 🙂
Yeah 2 and 3 hmmmmm I guess i got a good looking face then he he he he he 🙂
yeah i think in this case they have sided with the blogger, because it seems like that .. but never mind I still respect the blogger and will always do.
LikeLike
Hi Bikram
ha ha ha! I have been in a slightly similar ‘At the receiving end of Thumbs Down’ state! 🙂
I loved Mom-A-Dot’s reaction and I agree to what Rachna says too.
For one, being receptive to two sides of a coin is the sign of being mature. The world wide web is a complex place buddy. Not all come here with that amount of maturity.
Also, as some mentioned some of these posts are so emotionally charged that sometimes rational or practical thinking is simply not considered.
Its very tough to get your points across to people who are in an excited state.
And I wholly agree that it does not make any sense to get advice from total strangers on the web.
To begin with , conveying your problem in three or four paragraphs is not possible. You would not be able to give an accurate picture. Even if you do it will only be your own perception of things which could be totally wrong in the first place itself!
And btw I kind of agree with your response! Talking to the hubby would be the best option. Start looking at inlaws as people and not relationships purely by LAW!
LikeLike
have you been , ohhh , I am not alone then he he he But I can bet you , I can have a competition with you , you cant win the contest .. as to how many i get 🙂 he he he he
Well i have had my fingers burnt a couple of times now on that blog, so i will jsut refrain going or try my best not to say anything .. although the blogger is such a lovely person ..
Yeah thats what exactly i said how can we , when we are not in same situation .. I think if its a women we should just take her side it seems 🙂
she says in the post , it was a love marriage, she managed to convince her husband to do a trial two month of going to india.. I mean so whats wrong to Talk more about other issues .. I find it crazy
LikeLike
You are absolutely right sir, discussions with themselves can solve the problem in better way rather than asking to starngers. May be you got thumbs down on your comment because people emphatize with ladies all the time!
LikeLike
Welcome here sir and thank you so much ..
and that is the truth for sure as people have mentioned , i shud have empathised with the writer ..
but then if you ask for advice it shud not come with exceptions etc
LikeLike
Bikram ! Happywala birthday 🙂
When we read something, we form an opinion. We suggest it. And then, we leave it at that. Thumbs up and thumbs down – don’t matter. I know you are wondering as to what must be going on in their minds to miscontrue your honest opinion but if the other side doesn’t convince you, then we just go on sticking to our well-formed opinion. Right?
And sorry, but I disliked those 4 things you mentioned as probable reasons. Ee will all meet similar minded and dissimilar people. But none of that should fetter us if we are confident of what we feel 🙂
LikeLike
🙂 Thank you thank you thank you .. but for what .. the blog or for me he he hehe
I think i did a mistake going back to check when i got a notification that someone has replied to my comment, it was the blogger who asked me a number of questions after this comment .. so I guess it took up from there
oh ho .. sorry you disliked because i could not find any other reason why people would do that..
LikeLike
Hi,
Nice post….
I think you were just expressing your point of view and yes, maybe the blogger wanted everyone to second what she had already decided.
Thumbs up to you.
LikeLike
I hope so thats what I was doing 🙂 because I felt thats what i was doing .. it did not feel to others .. yeah thats what they wanted i guess and no one dare say otherwise 🙂
LikeLike
Bro hate comments are part of blogging and I have received my share
But let me share with you being a male blogger, any comments made by us on such issues and that too on blogs which are on issues like dowry, in-laws etc will more often than not be seen with colored glasses. I would suggest do not get much bugged with responses there
LikeLike
Hey how are you sir.. long longgggggggggg time since i last saw you here , how you doing.
I guess we will get this treatment being a male on a females blog 🙂 Thank you.
LikeLike
Well, I do understand how difficult it can be for a guy posting on a blog/ blogs often frequented by women; it does requires one to exercise great degree of caution for each and every word of one’s comment is subject to great scrutiny.especially when the visitors approaching the blog(s) expect and even like to read the same sort of opinions everytime.
Any difference of opinion, any diversion is met with stiff resistance if it is in a minority. I think we need to realise that blogs shouldn’t turn into conclaves of like-minded people where there isn’t any tolerance for something different.
Well, I upvoted most of your comments and I am surprised at the ire that you comments attracted when your opinions have always been pro-women as I have noticed on that blog.
And, yes the tendency to skim texts to zero in on sentences, isolate them from the rest in order to give one’s own interpretation ( rather misinterpretation) can be extremely annoying.
You should be happy that you atleast got a chance to address that ‘someone’ who did that intentional ‘skimming’ to yours for being a fellow blogger grants you a privilege over others like me.
Your comment(s) this time even though different from others was allowed to stay on the blog unlike those of others (visitors who are not bloggers) that often go unnoticed (for they are never published) just because they don’t offer the same opinions, people expect to hear and read every time.
LikeLike
Welcome here and thank you os much..
I do understand what you mean , I shud have realised it when i put the comment that it was going to be more of women oriented rather than problem oriented 🙂
You see sir I see the world as black and white, and if someone asks me for advice i will give them my honest opinion as to what i think, but blogsphere is also become rich of politics and what not , one needs to treat carefully , I am learning slowly the ways of the world it seems .. taking long though 🙂
Exactly sir, that the reason why i asked the question being pro women still got me that reaction, I wonder what the people do to the ones who are not pro women..
I have not had a reply on the question i asked about taking One line out of the whole comment so far..
regarding your comments not getting approved well sir, I am helpless in that matter , my blog is open it allows everyone to share their views right or wrong whatever it is .. after all If I have the right to publish on a public space then I should be ready to accept the comments too that come 🙂
Thank you for reading this post ..
LikeLike
I know I am late Bikram…but few things
1. I saw your comment on the blog mentioned..you were stating your views and others were stating theirs..nothing wrong with that
2. Hearing both sides of the story is often difficult especially in case of anon emails…so what do we do..we hear one side of the story aand give our feedback to the best of our ability..if you felt she should talk to her hubby, absolutely fine..if someone else felt otherwise, well thats fine as well..because at the end of the day, we are just sharing our views..the anon writer may not agree to any of them…
3. Often, people who write anon emails are so so tired of not being able to communicate with their family members, that they want to talk to perfect strangers..which is fine na…as bloggers, we just read their emails, give our opinions to the best of our understanding and just leave it
4. About thumbs up and thumbs down…please Bikram, you are such a popular blogger..why should you get upset a bout the thumbs up and down…often people who have no better work, just keep clicking for no reason…I dont think you should get upset about it!
Hope you didnt find my comment offensive..I apologise in advance if you felt bad
LikeLike
hey, not to worry about being late 🙂
1. I agree with that but , I am not saying about their views the ones who stated this post is for those who did not reply , but pressed the down button , I am asking what is it that i have written wrong ..
2. I again understand that, hence my comment as i dont know the circumstances and if i am giving advice then i shud be responsible .. most will give their advice and not bother to think later as to what happened ..
popular you say awwwwwwwwww thanks for that , I am whaqt I am because of all lovely friends i have like yourself 🙂 I got upset because I could not see what i wrote wrong and it seems on that particulat blog My face usually gets the reaction.. I have seen it a few times and what upset me is that many of the ones who comment there behave differently at other places ..
NO i did not find this offensive , I emailed you regarding that 🙂
LikeLike
I am always a pro family person, not pro girl or boy..so not many girls like my blog too because I dont do that man bashing and inlaws bashing:)
today if boys parents have to live with them its..suffocating, no privacy, clinging men are mama’s boys and what not.
but if a girl wants to do so for her parents..she is so good, after all only daughters look after parents, she is a good daughter,and progressive and what not..
I am not a part of above types…
LikeLike
@ Renu
It’s wonderful to hear that there are bloggers like you. You seem to breathe a fresh lease of life into the blogging world.
Best wishes
LikeLike
@Renu :- yeah i guess these days its easier for people to give other advices then think logically. as such our society has gone down the drain and with all these sort of people around its gonna go worse with time…
Glad you are not part of these , I beleive we are first humans an then man- woman if we live like that we might just live a good life ..
LikeLike
BTW Bikram, dont bother about thumb down, all those family breaking advices, please how many such bloggers are happily married or have a happy family..if they have then only their advice matters
LikeLike
yes man not bothering anymore, I just think of that particular house which should be a home but these people have made it into a house , just because of silly ideas or by taking advices from similar people 🙂
I get your point mam 🙂 I wont answer that
LikeLike
Interesting post once again….and yeah I would love to teach u… 😀
Thanks once again 🙂
LikeLike
at first i was wondering what you wud teach me but now i remember the comment i made on ur blog .. yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ok i am ready .. you are going to be in tough times 🙂 I bet you will forget yourself while teaching me he he he he eheh e
LikeLike
Hey sorry for being late (was away visiting family).
I am sure that the thumbs down were not for your personally. Anyone who has visited this space would have a fair idea of what kind of person you are. So cheer up!! And I would suggest you keep your honest opinions coming, without being affected by what kind of reactions they evoke.
My own personal opinion is that sometimes talking to a complete stranger gives us a very different perspective to our own problems. We may or may not pick up their advice. But it may help in gathering strength to face our own problems heads on. Not everyone might be lucky to have understanding friends/family who they can turn to for sincere advice.
LikeLike
Oh ho , not a problem.. so did you have fun visiting family and everyone ..
well I know what you mean but then obviously people are two faced , they know me and how i behave or think yet they dont understand what i wanted to say .. so I can categorically say BLimey .. 🙂
I dont have any qualms in talking to anyone , but in that post I frankly i did not think the lady had tried hard enough, or the situation was that bad .. I personally feel that going to strangers should be when you have exhausted all avenues. But i agree with wat you said 🙂
Thank you so much puja..
LikeLike
I recollect it well enough when you had managed to land yourself in a similar tamasha before! Somehow I believe that the ‘thumbs up’ and ‘thumbs down’ are a fraud, more so since you can do it at any blog repeatedly. Yet, I am sure these people must be thumbing your comment down even as they would be thumbing someone up for similar expressions. I can copy and paste diametrically opposite comments by the same person on the same idea but I guess that is against the law! 😉
LikeLike
Uma sir, i keep landing myself , they do say one shud learn to be diplomat and not say the truth 🙂 I guess from now on I will jsut have to be Comment Savvy 🙂 . say the right words , get the right attention .. even if i am being dishonest with myself .. thats the way to go ahead I beleive 🙂
Totally agree with you on the fraud , moreover i think if as the author or owner of a blog you have a problem with the comment then so will majority of the people who will come to read you tooo.
I have seen a lot of those opposite comments too sir, hence the outrage at the audacity of the people pressing the button without even giving a thought or at least a reply to the question asked ..
LikeLike
“now on I will jsut have to be Comment Savvy 🙂 . say the right words , get the right attention .. even if i am being dishonest with myself .. thats the way to go ahead I beleive :)”
LOL!!!
Hey!!!Try as hard as you can – But – I am pretty sure you would fail in being ‘diplomat and dishonest’..
LikeLike
Hmmm well I can be bad too if I want to. Sachi main..
🙂
LikeLike
lots of LOLs now!!!
(sorry, cant help it!!!)
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
I am a big reader and occasional commenter on IHM’s wonderful blog so I do read your comments there too. You generally seem like a sane male voice of reason (and you can tell how hard I’m trying to not flatter you here :-)) but I did disagree with you on this one. Why ? Because you suggest her turning inwards – and nothing wrong with that really except that she’s tried it already. Also the replies on IHM’s are almost always subject to hypotheticals – we never do know the other party’s story, so people give advice based on the truth as presented to us. And here’s the other (major) thing – it might look like she’s asking for straight out advice, but she’s not (like many other women in similar difficult situations) – she knows what she’s going to do, but it’s unpopular and hard and she’s being told what a bad/selfish woman she’s being and it’s going to be an uphill battle to stand her ground. All she’s really looking for is support.
I will tell you from personal experience that finding people in real life, who believe that women should be able to live their lives happily and peacefully and not being a doormat for their families to walk upon, is hard. Yes, we all are “modern” but when it comes to women it’s another story. Surrounded by all these “women, be docile and obedient” subliminal messages, it is hard to not doubt yourself sometimes. “Maybe I should buckle down and go with the flow? Maybe I should not fight to be treated with respect – maybe it is OK, maybe my place IS at the bottom of the food-chain? After all almost all the women think that way!” Hence the importance of feminist internet forums – it gives women support and the reassurance that they aren’t nuts to think of themselves as human beings deserving decent lives. And reading this you might think that I exaggerate – but I do not.
Then, when she comes to an internet forum and you advise to go right back and “talk” to her family, it defeats the purpose. It is isolating. And similar isolation tactics are used to “curb” women from going outside their families when atrocities are committed against them. She is not in such a dire situation of course, but the sentiment is similar.
I know you didn’t mean it that way, and spoke from genuine concern, and those that read your comments on IHM’s blog on a regular basis know that too. I wouldn’t worry about the Thumbs-down too much, your street cred. can handle it 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you for thinking of me as being SANE 🙂 and beleive me flattery wont take anyone anywhere with me , I am straightforward and I like to say things as they are .. so best is say ot my face how bad I am 🙂
I wanted to ask the lady at that place the she was in usa how long did she stay with her in laws during her married life , but things just went haywire.. because ot me the post did not say how long , or did the in laws stay with them etc etc..
it also says that she has maanged to convince her husband.. so hubby is not that bad as made out , he does listen although if only occcasionaly .. 🙂
Regarding find people who dont think wrong of woman then , let me tell you , you need to visit our village , I have been brought up there and I have not seen anything against the women anywhere .. in my home too ladies are respected and given equal importance .. all decisions are made by all . not just men.
Anyway I guess i have learnt my lesson well , I am not gonna try to give advice to anyone i dont know for sure and get bitten by all the people 🙂 better be safe he he he he
I dont understand what you mean by all those who visit IHM’s blog regularly also know what i mean , well its all those who pressed the button 🙂 so they dont know me , or maybe many of them are trying to know me ..
anyway it was a good experience ..
Welcome here to this blog and beleive me I also write other stuff , so do read them too and keep visiting I hope i have not put you offf he he he he
LikeLike
No,I dont think I have read that particular post.Seem to have missed it
LikeLike
Hello Chowla sir.. How you doing.
LikeLike
I have read the post you mention and your comment too, Bikram! The no. of people who click ‘thumbs down’ may not have read the complete email and understood. They just think that a woman is hurt by a man and blindly click ‘thumbs down’. Don’t take these things seriously. We don’t know the two sides of the couple and so nobody can, esp. an outsider can help her. Their views might change overnight once they discuss the problem openly. If they don’t know to do that and publish their personal problems, I doubt their loyalty to each other.
You don’t worry, Bikram. You won’t get this many comments if people don’t love you!
We had power cut and the net was down due to cyclone, so couldn’t read this earlier. Be happy always!
LikeLike
Thank you sandhya bhen, how are you doing .. Its ok I dont care for the ones who pressed the thumbs down just for the sake of it , I dont know them and they dont know me 🙂
I know and god is so kind to me he has given me such lovely friends as yourself 🙂 yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
so how is cyclone now has it settled down , is all ok
LikeLike
That comment was your personal space…you can say what u want..and besides the woman asked for a opinion right…she should be expecting to get different opinions..and for the people who disagreed..there is never any right or wrong here..like you said..no one whats the situation really…
so lite leneka…:)
LikeLike
I know 🙂 I think what happened was if you look onlym y comments sort of got a counter question by the Blog ownwer and others.. which i dont know why.. i asked a question and usually one replies to the question ..
and since it was counter questioned all the friends on there, without even giving a thought .. pressed the button 🙂
LikeLike
hehehe!!! I was there, Bikram, and did see the bashing up. Just FYI, I am one of the thumbs up people. But let me tell you what might be the problem. Most of the commentors are women. Passionate women. Some of them, women who have similar, or remotely similar, problems of their own. Or people who may have in the past, had some issues while living with inlaws. Hence the empathy with the ‘lady’.
But also remember – there are very few lucky ones out there who may have had smooth sailing with inlaws. Many reasons – the primary one being that even when two equal room mates share a hostel room, there are jabs and counter jabs. And in a joint household we are talking about two distinct cultures clashing – even if they are from the same religion…… maybe thats why the empathy…
LikeLike
You did yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂 thankfully there are people who think logically then he he he he
yeah i understand that problem now that many have told me ..
The thing is I did not have any problem with the lady asking for advice anyone can ask or do what they want to , It was my personal view .. but the way people have interpretted is , How women are told not to discuss anything outside the house .. how they are stopepd blahdy blah… I mean where did i say all this I have no clue .. I guess the mentality of some people is going down the drain 🙂
I shall try not to fall in this trap again he he he he
LikeLike
One has the choice as to who to follow.
Keep away from such blogs which you are not comfortable with
LikeLike
Yes Sir I have taken the advice of a lot of people 🙂
LikeLike
If you are confident that you are right, it does not matter how many people support you and how many do not.
LikeLike
Hmm I guess what you is say is the truth end of the day .. one needs to be confident and not worry about people who have nothing better to do then moan etc etc .. Thank you onkar sir
LikeLike
So many of the comments are like blogposts.
I think one should not worry too much about plus and minus, one should be clear from heart.
LikeLike
yesssssssssss i pray i remain like that 🙂 thank you so much
LikeLike
Another good one Bikram. To my mind I am OK with taking advice from a trusted neutral friend or two (not an open forum). Oh yes do make a serious attempt to talk to to the hubby too. But finally the action must emerge from within.
Cheers 🙂
LikeLike
Dilip sir, I agree with you , thank you sir.
LikeLike
There is another variation to this and that is
some people just click on the thumbs down
to annoy other users, mainly because on a
debate they instinctively know that you will
be returning and so I wouldn’t take these
as being thumbs ‘Up or Down’ as the majority
of followers OR passersby haven’t got a clue
of what they are clicking on and of the other
types, well most of those won’t have even
read the posting in question so don’t worry
about it my great friend…
Androgoth
LikeLike
Yeah that is another.. but it just makes me cross how can people make up their mind without reading.. And why are they wasting their time don’t they have anything better to do ..
All sorts of people in this world..
Thank you andro… so then what coming up for tomorrow’s post.. it is a Wednesday and you know what day it is….. he he he he he he
LikeLike
Dude, congratulation on standing up to women (am I asking for it now?) as it’s not easy. From the 4 points you mentioned that may be the cause, I would say point 2, 3 and 4 is no doubt the reasons why majority of people (assuming all were women or man bashing sympathisers) gave you a negative thumbs down. It seems, clicking the ‘thumb down’ button is a way of saying “yes, but still you are a man, so you deserve the thumb down”.
In so far as the original comment – I couldn’t agree with you any more. I mean, if the wife wanted to have sex with her husband, would she still seek advice from the online blogging community or would she discuss it with her husband? If the wife wanted to buy some new outfit, would she ask her husband or would she simple by pass him and ask the online community?
Where has common sense gone?
Here comes the abuse……
LikeLike
Totally get your point, I should have written this there too.. for advice
and No I doubt there will be abuse here on this blog, because if they do They will be answerable to me.. and I wont take it lightely..
I think the problem today is that people dont like what others say and think they are RIGHT.. always ..
and I do think that people who visit my blog are more SANE 🙂
LikeLike
The last word ‘Sane’ makes all the difference. On a serious note – I am up for a reasonable and humble debate on any issue – but when you enter a blog, where the territory is hostile to men and only one national anthem of ‘man-bashing’ is known – its then hard to debate without things turning ugly and getting out of control. The site in which this all started, I have been there, done it and experienced the same thing.
Nothing will change if the minds of women (and men) change for the better. No two beings are the same – fact.
LikeLike
That’s a dangerous conversation. Interesting too, really. 🙂 You said what you felt was right. Thumbs up for that. And I guess you’re right when you say you can’t give fitting advice unless and until you know the people involved. I do agree with that. But from the female psychology perspective, I guess the author was not exactly looking for advice as such but somebody to talk to and feel better in the process. In some cases, it’s easier to talk to strangers. 🙂
This is a great post; very engaging. Befitting title too. 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you , I know what you are saying but my problem is many who gave advice THEN have moved on to advicing other people and also hardly anyone of them have probably gone back and tried to find out what happened the lady who they advised, Now I cant do that , If I advice someone I would be worried what has happened to her tooo, I am a bit duhhhhhhhhhh like that i guess , need to know the ways of the world getting there slowly for sure
LikeLike
You’re good at heart, that’s why. Stay the same, ok.
Have a great week ahead, dear Bikram.
LikeLike
Thank you so much 🙂
LikeLike
damn .. i never knew there was an up down button as well on your blog … thank god for never noticing it ..lol 😛
apologies for the late reply .. belated diwali wishes veer ji ….
LikeLike
🙂 Rahul not on my blog this was on some other blog and my face gets this sort of a reaction, I think I need to go and have a plastic surgery done ..
thank you so much for the wishes and dont worry about late paaji .. 🙂
LikeLike